The "So Bad It's Good" Collection

Alright, a few weeks ago, I posted a list of my all time guilty pleasures. Those were the movies that I enjoyed in spite of them being bad-ish. This is the list of movies that I am telling you to watch just so you can marvel at how dog gone horrible they are. If you are a humor junky like me who just loves to find stuff to make fun of, this list will be a goldmine to you. I'm actually kind of excited about this list, cause it's one that a friend and I have been putting together for the past few months. Some of these, I am proud to say, we actually quote on a daily basis because they are just so much fun to blurt out and we just can't help but laugh whenever we manage to work it into everyday conversation. Having said that, let's get started.

1. The Room- If you watch the trailer for The Room, it claims that it's a "quirky black comedy written with the passion of Tennessee Williams". Last I checked, Williams didn't write a whole lot of comedies, and he sure didn't write stuff that was quirky. That error in logic is one of many reasons that you have to watch this movie. It has some of the worst acting you will ever see in your life, dubbing that makes translated Japanese films look spot on, and on top of that, it was written, produced, directed, executive produced and starred the same person. Now, in some cases, this can work out, Clint Eastwood and Kenneth Branagh do it all the time. However, when all of those roles are filled by a zombie with an undefinable accent... Yeah, you're pretty much DOA on that one. I would go into the plot of this movie, but I really want you guys to see it, so I'm not going to spoil anything. And here's the other thing that I have to bring up: You know how when people do comical impressions of Christopher Walken or William Shatner, that isn't how they really talk, they just did that once and we never forgave them? Well, ask anyone who has seen this movie to do an impression of the main actor in this movie, and it is actually going to be pretty dead on. No exaggerations whatsoever. 
2. The Star Wars Holiday Special- Before you ask, yes, this actually exists. And instead of telling you about everything that's wrong, and how that makes it enjoyable and everything, I'm just going to give you the following fun piece of trivia: George Lucas has gone out of his way to ensure that nobody ever watches this again. George Lucas, the creator of midichlordians and Jar-Jar, said that this was a bad idea. Are you not sold on its awfulness yet?
3. Showgirls- I only learned this recently, but apparently, this movie was supposed to be a big hit, it had a huge budget behind it, had a ridiculous amount of money given to the screen writer, and they even took the risk of going all out with a NC-17 rating, hoping the awesomness of the picture would carry it to success. But it ended up tanking at the box office and setting a world record for Razzie nominations. And to tell you the truth, I'm kind of surprised. I've watched this movie, and it has some of the best written dialogue since the days of the bard, including lines like "Man, everybody got AIDs and shit"(which was just yelled out randomly, mind you) and "You like nice tits?" "I like having nice tits"
4. Battlefield Earth- yet another movie that was expected to be a hit. It was based on a best-selling novel (that was actually kind of crappy itself, from what I hear), and had a cast that included John Travolta, Forrest Whitaker and the Nazi guy from the third Indy movie. So where does the movie fail? EVERYWHERE. The most notable failure is the fact that every shot in the film is tilted for no real reason. In fact, if you ever hear someone criticize the film or make fun of it, they almost always bring that up. A close second on the epic failure scale would be John Travolta hamming it up with lines like "While you were still learning how to SPELL YOUR NAME, I was being trained to CONQUER GALAXIES!!!"
5. Birdemic- I'll admit I have not seen this one, but my friend has, and has shown me clips of it on Youtube. And it honestly doesn't even look like an actual film, it looks like something a college student would have filmed using his dad's old camera
6. Thankskilling- Okay, I'm puting this low on the list because this was written with the sole intent of being awful. The filmaker's goal was to give us a movie that we would point and laugh at the entire way. And they do a pretty good job of it.
7. Troll 2- Only watch this movie because there is a scene where a kid just randomly yells out really  loudly, and yet really nonchalantly "Oh my Gooooooooooooooooooooooooooood!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
8. Dungeons and Dragons- It really breaks my heart that Jeremy Irons is showing up anywhere on this list, even though one of his movies did show up on my guilty pleasures. But I recently read something where Irons basically admitted that he knew the project was going to be bad from the start, so he decided to take the money that was given to him and buy a castle with it. You can tell that was his plan all along by watching the movie and watch the way he acts. If you've ever seen Irons in other movies, you'll know that he is not one who favors hamming things up or chewing scenery, and yet that's all he does in this movie.
9. Batman and Robin- We live in a strange world my friends. A world in which the same character is at the center of 2 films: One is regarded as being a groundbreaking action-packed drama that went to depths we never would have expected from a comic based movie and is even one of my all time favorite movies. The other is on this list. And how can it not be? I know I ripped the shit out of it a little while back, but there is still so much to enjoy about this movie. From Clooney not giving a shit about the role, to Arnold's puns, to the bat nipples to some of the icicles being so blatantly rubber that it's almost painful. Probably the best part of all the awfulness (apart from the Bat Credit Card) is the way they did Bane and how it is just so much of a blessing that Nolan decided to include him in his universe. Of course there is so much more to this movie to love/hate, but those are just the first things that come to mind when I hear this title. I was actually talking about this one last night with someone at work, and I mentioned that Joel Schumacher, the director, is gay, and he just said "Wow, that explains a lot"
10. Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus- Oh Sci-Fi channel, how can you not show up here at least once? Now, the Sci-Fi channel has made a lot of these movies in the past where they have these really terrible scripts with these horrible stories and actors that have had no theatrical training whatsoever, and effects that look like they belong in a Pixar movie rather than a live action movie. I wanted to include one of their movies on here, and this is the perfect one, in my opinion. Only because there is a scene where a giant ass shark jumps out of the water and destroys a plane right out of the sky. If you think that sounds silly, just watch the clip, I think you can find it on Youtube somewhere, it will have you on the floor laughing, it is that bad. Note to self, when writing a screenplay, NEVER include the word "vs" in your title

Unnecessary Prequel Shows

I'm gonna level with you guys, it's getting to the point that I am really starting to hate prequels. Mostly because they don' tell us anything that we really needed to know. In the end, they just share stuff with us that we were fine not knowing. For example, that newest Planet of the Apes movie? We don't need to know how the apes took over, in fact that was part of the fun of the original and how it ended, people were speculating as to how it would be possible that apes would subdue the entire human race. And now that movie has killed it for us.

So why am I talking about this? Well, I've noticed recently that networks have been making shows that are prequels to famous movies, two of them being The Silence of the Lambs and most recently, Psycho. Much like Planet of the Apes however, I think the Psycho show just doesn't need to exist. Apparently, it is supposed to cover Norman's relationship with his mother when he was growing up and how he got to be so messed up. In other words, it's taking the surprise of the ending of the original movie and just throwing it out the window. And again, I have to ask "Do we really need to see this?" Is this something that, if we didn't have a film or television show about it, the universe would be thrown out of balance? Much like Planet of the Apes, I have to say "NO". Again, part of the fun of movies like Apes and Psycho is that we got to speculate for ourselves how A led to B and everything in between. By making a show or a movie explaining it to us, it just ruins all the fun. Now, the show that they have for Silence of the Lambs is not a prequel show by my understanding, but rather it's a show where Hannibal Lecter helps Clarice Starling solve crimes... So basically, it's Lambs but in show form and over and over again. What really irks me about this one is that if you've seen the movie, you'd know that they only knew each other for a couple weeks before he broke out of prison, and they only solved the one case together. So basically, they are contradicting the movie for the soul purpose of making money. If you really wanted to make a show about Hannibal, why not make the show about his relationship with Will Graham? In Red Dragon, it was made pretty clear that they had a mentor/student relationship and he helped Graham out a couple of times before he was caught and arrested. Even though I find the whole idea of this show repulsive, I would say that that sounds like a better idea than taking a very disturbed relationship and turning it into this crime solving team. Alright, so this doesn't count as a prequel show considering that it does take place I guess during the events of the movie itself. But that still doesn't make it any better in my eyes.

What's my point in all of this? Well, I've already said why making prequels makes no sense to begin with, but making a show that I'm assuming you want to last several seasons rather than one movie which will be around 2 hours? It's like stabbing fans in the knee cap and then twisting it over and over and over again.

The Expendables 2

We might as well just call it The Expendables because I think it was everything the first one should have been. Quick review of the first one, I think it had its cool moments, but overall, it was pretty underwhelming. You have all of these action stars and yet the focus seemed to be on mostly Statham and Stallone. Plus, if you are going to have a scene with Arnold, Sly and Bruce Willis, you'd better sure as shit have them blow something up... Which they didn't. This movie took all of the problems that I had with the first one and remedied them. Now Arnold and Sly are in it more, and they were even nice enough to give us Chuck Norris and the Muscles from Brussels, Jean Claude Van Damme. The one thing that I have heard people say a lot is that all of the people mentione above are all of the "has-beens". While that may be true, this movie proves that there is still room in everyone's hearts for each of these badasses. I know this because when I saw the movie with a friend of mine, the whole theater cheered when each person had their own introduction scene. They even cheered when Jean Claude Van Damme kicked a knife into a dude's chest. However, I will say that there is one last thing that bothered me. You know how there's that cliche that if a guy is either fresh from the academy or on his way to retirement, he is usually the first to kick the bucket? Or at least their death is more dramatic than the other characters? Well, in the case of Expendables 2, they managed to squeeze in a character who is both a rookie and pretty close to retirement, and guess what? They kill him off in the first 15 minutes. I know that may be a spoiler to some of you, but if it doesn't happen in the second half of the movie, I figure it's in safe territory for me to spoil.

Final Grade: B+

The Bourne Legacy

The first question you are all probably asking yourselves is "What did he think about the other Bourne movies?" And while none of them really rank amongst my favorites of all time, I would definitely say that I really liked all of the other Jason Bourne movies. I would say that the first one is my favorite however, being that the second and third employed a technique that drove me to insanity. The technique that I am talking about is the shaky cam. God, I really freaking hate the shaky cam. It's one thing in a movie like Saving Private Ryan where it is used to give you the feeling of charging up the beaches of Normandy while gunfire and explosions are all around, but when two people are sitting and having a calm conversation, I just felt this urge to yell out "Dude, buy a fucking tripod or something. Set it down on a table if you have to! This shit's getting old!"

So right off the bat, I'm going to say that Legacy movie deserves points for one thing: Hiring a camera man that doesn't have Parkinson's*. Secondly, I would say that this movie is kind of like Wicked in that it showed what else was going on during the events of the third Bourne movie. The story is that Jeremy Renner plays an agent that is also a member of the program that Jason Bourne was apart of before he lost his memory. After the events of the first two Bourne movies and prior to Jason Bourne resurfacing in New York, the powers that be (one of them being played by Edward Norton) decide that the entire program needs to be gone and buried, so they go around killing off all of their agents and their scientists in order to ensure that this doesn't reach the public. The only two survivors of the cleansing are that girl from The Mummy (whose name I am too lazy to look up right now) and Jeremy Renner. And from then on out, it's pretty much just them trying to surviving the agency and a convoluted plot that took me a while to get because I hadn't seen any of the other movies in quite some time. Once I did get a grasp on what was going on, I actually got really roped into what was going on. And thankfully, they had gotten rid of the shaky cam effect so I could actually take in what I was watching. I would give this movie a higher rating, but I'm not the biggest Jason Bourne fan, so I'm just going to say this was a fun action flick.

Final Grade: B

Paranorman

I know it's been a while since I posted an actual review and not a list, so I thought to make up for it, I'd talk about a movie that really surprised me. That movie (in case you couldn't tell by the title at the top) is Paranorman, a stop motion animated movie about an 11 year old kid that can speak to the dead (a la The Sixth Sense) and has to use his gift to save his town from a curse. The one thing that I have to stress about this movie is that if you are a parent, I would strongly advise you to think twice before you take smaller children to see this movie. Apart from having some frightening sequences not normally seen in animated movies, there are several other things not commonly seen in animated movies such as sexual innuendos, swearing, a reference to the f word, and a twist in which a character turns out to be gay. Now, having said all that, Paranorman was actually really good and I enjoyed the heck out of it. This was one of those situations where I went to go see it with a friend, we were the only ones in the theater within our age group, and we were laughing harder than the little kids were. Part of it was because of the few things that I had mentioned before, and part of it was also due to the fact that the humor was very much aimed at us. Some of the jokes (in fact I'd be willing to bet the majority) were aimed at us, and went right over the kid's heads. Not to mention the stop motion animation was absolutely top notch, reminding me why I have always found it to be so friggin cool. So yeah, if you're the parent of a small children, pass on this, they weren't the target market. If you're a teenager and up, you might enjoy this more than you expect.

Final Grade: A

My cast for an Expendables movie

As the summer draws to a close, we find ourselves waiting for one more movie to arrive, The Expendables 2, starring some of the biggest names in action from Norris to Willis. Even though I found the first one a little underwhelming, I have to admit I'm pretty hyped for this one. I was pretty excited to see that Arnold and Bruce Willis were going to be in it more and that they managed to get Chuck Norris to appear. And then I got to thinking "Who would I want to see star in a kick ass action movie?" And here is a list of people that I would cast for a badass action movie, and why I would cast them.

• Gerard Butler- has done some pretty solid work in films like Rockn'Rolla and 300, I think he would be awesome as some former SAS or MI6 operative
• Tom Hardy- After seeing him as the wisecracking Eames in Inception, I would have thought that he would have been considered for this kind of movie already
• Robert Downey Jr.- He's already been Iron Man and Sherlock Holmes. Something like this doesn't seem that far off
• Liam Neeson- Two words: Liam. Neeson.
• Christian Bale- I think it would be awesome if they had a scene where he and RDJ fight side by side, sort of make a joke about how an Avenger and a member of the Justice League are teaming up
• Harrison Ford- Han Solo, Indiana Jones, Rick Deckard, what more do you need?
• Ray Liotta- If you watch films like Goodfellas or Observe and Report, you know he can play tough guys, and I think he is seriously underrated.
• Val Kilmer- I think Doc Holliday needs one more good action movie. I have one friend that will read this and say that MaGruber fit the bill, but it didn't. Plain and simple. Also, people could joke about how 2 of the actors to play Batman are on screen together
• Denzel Washington- Training Day, Man on Fire, Book of Eli. On to the next one
• Jeremy Renner- has been great in movies like The Town and The Hurt Locker, I think he could do some great work here.
• Russell Crowe- Has appeared in movies such as Gladiator, American Gangster, 310 to Yuma and Body of Lies. However, being in Les Miserables may harm that reputation a tad bit, but I digress.
• Michael Biehn- Again, another person who I think is severely underrated

So yeah, those are the people I would want to be in my action movie. Now that I think about it, this type of cast wouldn't be suited for a movie about mercenaries. A cast like the one I have assembled here would be more well suited for something like a spy or a heist movie.

Runners up:
Sam Worthington
Samuel L Jackson
The Rock
Colin Farrell
Hugh Jackman
Will Smith

Top 10 guilty pleasures

A few months ago, I had made a list of the movies that I love for either being bad or in spite of being bad. Here, I'm going to add on to the list and give you my top 10 instead of my top 5. I'll put the original 5 back in there to refresh everyone's memory. However, of the five that I add, some of you may recognize them seeing as how I've written reviews for some of them. Also, unlike my 10 movies that everyone else hates but I like list, I'm ashamed to say that I own a good chunk of these movies. If not, I wouldn't hesitate to buy them.

1. The Pirates of the Caribbean sequels- I make no apologies for liking the first one, but I can point out almost everything that is wrong with these movies. And for some reason, I still love them. Why? I don’t have a clue. Maybe it’s that I think the characters are awesome and the dialogue is fun and kind of witty.
2. Van Helsing- This was a movie that I liked when I saw it in theaters (I was 12, give me a break), but the next time I watched it a few years later, I realized just how asinine it really was. However, Hugh Jackman and the comically over-the-top Dracula make it enjoyable. And I have a soft spot for steampunk horror shit. I actually really like Hellboy and Hellboy The Golden Army
3.  Cat in the Hat- Hey shut up! The only scene that I actually like is the cupcake cooking show scene. It was like a homage to Mike Meyers’ days as a SNL cast member
4. Hannibal- I love Silence of the Lambs (it’s in the top 5 for me), but this movie was just lame. So why do I like it? Well, I can’t say no to Gary Oldman, especially when playing a villain, and if I listed all the differences between the book and the movie, the movie would almost seem like a masterpiece. The book had so many unnecessary characters, gory scenes and just an overall weirdness factor that could (should) have just been totally left out. For example, in the movie, Gary Oldman's character, Mason Verger, is killed by being pushed into a pit of ravenous bores (I know it sounds stupid, but it's a long story) that eat him alive. In the book, his lesbian sister (who was left out of the movie) shoves an electric baton up his ass and then shoves his pet eel down his throat, causing it to munch on his tongue and he drowns in his own blood. See what I mean? This is one of those moments where you say “Thank God they didn’t follow the book!”
5. Anaconda- Good Lord is this movie bad. The writing is terrible, the snake looks extremely fake, as do all of the emotions the actors try to show. And don’t even get me started on Jon Voight’s indefinable accent. He sounds like he’s trying to do an Al Pacino Scarface impression! Yet for some reason, this is a movie that I find myself recording every time it’s on. This is one that I can’t justify. Maybe I love it for being so bad.
6. Wrath of the Titans- I had a whole review written on how dumb of a movie Wrath was but I still freaking loved it. Like I said before, the dialogue is really dumb and there are times where I think the actors called cut just so they could go laugh their asses off, but it's a movie that is enjoyable to watch and even more enjoyable when being made fun of.
7. Man in the Iron Mask- This movie could have been great, but the hammy acting and bland dialogue cause it to crash and burn. Much like Anaconda, I can't really put my finger on what I like about it though.
8. Just about anything Tim Burton has made in the past decade- I say "just about" because there are some movies of his that I legitimately like, mainly Sweeney Todd. However, when it comes to movies like Alice in Wonderland, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and more recently, Dark Shadows, I am often asked why in God's name do I like them. Again, I like the visual style of all of his movies and just how unapologetic he is. It's one thing when a director like Tarsem or Baz Lurhman try to shove their style in your face and show off how artsy they are to the point that they come off as being a little pretentious. But with Burton, even though he does shove his style in our face, he just has this atitude of "I'm just doing my thing, and you can't stop me". I kind of admire him for that and I am actually really looking forward to Frankenweenie.
9. The Wolfman- Truth be told, I think this is a lot better than some people make it out to be. I know a number of people hate it, but I really enjoy it. The only problem that I had with it was the ending. If you just gave me the script and a pen, I could have made some minor improvements. Apart from that, it's well made, it's well acted, there's a cool atmosphere that pays homage to the horror flicks of old, it has a great cast, especially Hugo Weaving who can make anything seem intense, especially when he has those eyebrows that never seem to lower.
10. Judge Dredd- This is in the same category as Wrath of the Titans in that I just watch it to make fun of it. That's all I can say because I want you guys to watch it and enjoy the mess that is Judge Dredd.