Worst Movies of 2012

Well, you knew this one was coming. Here are the 10 worst movies of 2012. Some of these movies make me wish the world had ended. Before I start listing them, I will say that some of these I never got around to seeing, but I could tell from the trailers that it was going to suck hard. And if Rotten Tomatoes has any value behind it, it would appear I was right.

Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance- The first movie was okay, but I think there was a lot of wasted potential with it. This movie was just a failure right from the start. Maybe it's because I was sick with the stomach flu when I saw this, but some of the action and chase scenes were just a headache to watch, and there were a number of speed up then slow down shots that had no purpose whatsoever. This was also Nic Cage at his most Nic Cagest. It's almost like he not only doesn't give a crap, but wants to be known for being this terrible actor who hams and overacts the shit out of his characters. It was much more fun when he was the only one not in on the joke, now it's just ruined. Oh well, we still have Keanu Reeves.

John Carter- Since the success of the Pirates franchise, Disney seems to have really been trying to find another major hit, which would explain why they financed National Treasure (twice), Prince of Persia and now this. This movie wasn't necessarily bad, but for what they were going for, it did not deliver at all.

Battleship- I didn't even see this movie... I had other people go see it for me. As soon as I saw what looked like Michael Bay Decepticons and Rihanna, I thought "Boy, this movie is gonna suck" and then I saw Liam Neeson in the credits and my heart just broke

Underworld: Awakening- I only saw part of Underworld before I had to turn it off. Personally, I never really liked movies about vampires forming armies. Vampires are cool creatures but they are far better working by themselves as a solo villain. Anyway, the kiss of death on this one was that Charles Dance was in it (that's not the kiss of death, he's a fantastic actor and he kicks ass on Game of Thrones), and the vampire teeth they gave him impaired his speaking ability. He sounded like he was trying to talk with food in his mouth. And keep in mind, we are talking about an actor who was able to salvage some dignity from Alien 3

Paranormal Activity 4- Again, not one that I saw, but I really included it here for one reason. I have to ask "Didn't we say all that we needed to say with the first one?" It was a cool idea and now they are just milking the shit out of it

Silent Hill: Revelation- 3 words: Video game movie

Breaking Dawn Pt 2- yeah I said I enjoyed myself immensely while watching it, but that doesn't matter, it's still a shit film

10 Best movies of 2012

Here we stand, having survived the apocalypse and ready to begin another year on this planet. And as we struggle to rebuild our society after being decimated by the zombie uprising, I have decided that the time has come to give you the countdown of the 10 best movies of the year. And, just to throw a fast one at you, I've decided that I am going to leave off The Hobbit, The Avengers, and The Dark Knight Rises from the countdown. Why? Well, for starters, you guys already knew that I would list them, and on top of that, I'm not the only one who is doing that either. So here they are, my top ten movies of 2012. And a little reminder, these are not the movies that I found artistically brilliant or groundbreaking, these are just the movies that I enjoyed the most. A few of them I list because the made me piss myself I was laughing so hard. So, here we go


10. Lawless- A movie with pure badassness and not much else, even Shia LaBeouf had some cool moments
9. Ted- One of the funniest movies of the year and it only gets funnier when I watch it again, it may take a spot on my favorite comedies actually
8. Wreck-it Ralph- Another Pixar gem to make up for any shortcomings from Brave. This is definitely in the top 3 for Pixar movies for me
7. Paranorman- A movie I only heard about a week before I saw it, this stop motion homage to classic zombie and slasher flicks is another one that had me laughing myself silly
6. Frankenweenie- Tim Burton reminds us why stop motion is such a cool form of animation with this homage to horror flicks like Frankenstein and Dracula, among others. It also makes up for Dark Shadows.
5. Les Miserables- A star studded movie adaptation of one of the most beloved musicals of all time, great work done by all
4. Lincoln- I honestly think they should show Lincoln in history classes. It's a very well made movie with an absolutely superb performance by Daniel Day-Lewis, who I am sure will get the Oscar nod for his work here
3. Skyfall- The best of the Daniel Craig Bond films, and one of the best Bond films overall. It's seriously up there with From Russia with Love
2. Django Unchained- Quentin Tarantino doing a western. That is all. PS- Dr. King Schultz is one of the most badass characters in any western
1. Cabin in the Woods- Yet another salute to horror flicks, although this is probably more of a satire than a salute. Either way, it has a creative premise and sets it up to not have any sequels, but to have a million prequels and tie-ins.


Stay tuned for my 10 worst movies of 2012

Les Miserables

Also known as A Guy Steals a Loaf of Bread and Shit Goes Down

Back at the Oscars in 2009 when Hugh Jackman was hosting, there was a moment when he declared that the musical had returned, being that there were so many musicals coming out at the time. Here's the problem, they all sucked. For all the musicals that were coming out one after another, few were actually memorable, even if at all good. With that said, let's talk about Les Miserables, which has had a ton of hype behind it for the past year. Let's do a run down: You have one of the most beloved stage musicals of all time with a cast that includes Hugh Jackman, one of the most famous broadway and film stars there is, Anne Hathaway, who we discovered, almost on accident that she could sing. You've got Russell Crowe playing Javert, who a lot of people didn't even know could sing, and Sacha Baron Cohen and Helena Bonham Carter playing the comic relief characters. And on top of that, you have an Oscar winning director at the helm.

On top of that, this was also one of the first movies to have all of there actors sing the vocals live as opposed to recorded then lip synched, a very risky move that would either make or break the movie. So, did it live up to the hype?

I'd say that it did. Keep in mind, I'm not much into musical theater, so I can't really critique it as a musical, but as a movie, I thought it was really well done. The cast all did their parts beautifully, especially Sacha Baron Cohen who I think was the best casting choice when it came to him singing "Master of the House". It's just so over-the-top and weird that you'd have to be a fool to not cast him as the part. The rest of the cast was just as good, I would be surprised if one or not both Hugh Jackman and Anne Hathaway received Oscar nominations. And Russell Crowe, even though he seemed a bit uncomfortable singing at first, really grows into the part of Javert and by the time he sang his solo "Stars", I thought he sounded really good. Keep in mind, he's an actor first, and a singer second. I would say his only problem was that he didn't benefit from singing live. The rest of the cast did a good job, though I feel like Eddie Redmayne may have been trying too hard at some parts. I guess my only complaint about the movie is that I didn't realize that 99% of it was all sung which again, not a bad thing, seeing as how the music is good and the cast does a good job singing it. As for singing live, even though Russell Crowe struggled at the beginning, I think it really helped the movie because since, with the exception of Hugh Jackman, the cast has more experience acting then singing, it allowed them to focus on their acting while also focusing on their singing at the same time rather than recording it a few months in advance and already having to make their acting choices a few months before they are even on camera. And the emotions of some of the actors, particularly Anne Hathaway felt really genuine and not forced or over exaggerated.

Now keep in mind, this is a long ass movie, clocking in at about 3 hours. But again, I never minded really long movies, so I don't care. Though I will say my ass began to feel a little numb by the time they sang "One Day More", but that's not important.

Final Grade: A

The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey

As we near the end of the year, I had to look back on my list of movies that I had been most anticipating and as the year went on, and the list grew shorter, I found myself feeling rather satisfied with the list that I had composed for 2012. While all of the movies I chose may not have been complete masterpieces, they at least left me satisfied. Until this week, only 2 movies remained on the list that needed my viewing: Django Unchained and today's movie, The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey. And just for the heck of it, we'll give Les Miserables an honorary spot because while I may not have been all that hyped for it this time last year, I have seen footage and behind the scenes featurettes and well, consider me pumped. But I digress.

When I really think about it, The Hobbit had quite a bit to live up to. I mean sure, we've all been looking forward to Avengers and Dark Knight Rises for a few years now, but if you are like me, then this movie was 9 years in the making. It's kind of hard not to get yourself hyped up when you see the day approaching, especially when I remember writing my thoughts on the first trailer when it first hit theaters this time last year. Add on the fact that it has a number of the same stars, the same director, the same screenwriter, studio, even the locations are the same. Is it possible to screw something up when the set up is so perfect? Well, if Peter Jackson's name is on the movie in question, then the answer is very loud and resounding "HELL NO!" While I don't think that HUJ is anywhere near as breathtaking or mind blowing as LOTR, I still think that this movie was very well done and it did anything but let down my rather high expectations.

So the story is first set in the Shire actually during the beginning of Fellowship of the Ring, in which we see Bilbo preparing for his birthday party and, to take his mind off of things, he decides to write his memoir as a gift to his young nephew, Frodo, who also makes an appearance in this movie. As he is writing it, the rest of the movie is essentially one big flashback as Bilbo recounts the story of the Dwarves of Erebor, the dragon Smaug and the series of events that led to him travelling to the Lonely Mountain with Gandalf (played masterfully once again by the great Sir Ian McKellen) and Thorin, grandson of the last king of Erebor. We get a really well told prologue reminiscent of the iconic intro to Fellowship that details the building up and tearing down of Dwarven civilization and introduces us to the main antagonist of the movie, Smaug. In fact, the prologue is not the only thing that I saw as a throwback to Fellowship, the music is very similar and even the ending scene is almost identical to that of Fellowship. Int erms of staying loyal to the book, I would say that they left no t uncrossed nor any i undotted. I could almost quote the movie as the characters were saying it, that's how faithful it was... And that's how big of a nerd I am.  The two best examples of "That's exactly how I pictured it in the book!" would be the scene with the 3 trolls and the Riddles in the Dark.

Let's talk about the cast, both new and returning. First off, one of the great things about the Lord of the Rings movies was the cast. It may have to do with the fact that I have been in love with these movies for over 10 years now, but I am having a hard time imagining anybody playing these parts except the people they cast. To me, Ian McKellen is Gandalf, Hugo Weaving is Elrond, Andy Serkis is Gollum, etc. And the great thing is that this imagery has translated into the new cast for The Hobbit as well, especially Martin Freeman as the younger Bilbo. To me, he is Bilbo incarnate. All in all, I think he's a terrific actor because he is also John Watson incarnate in the BBC series Sherlock, which I really need to review someday. As for the dwarves, I don't really recognize any of them all that well, so I can buy them in their parts as well. Everybody put their best feet forward and it really shows, there is not a single weak performance in this movie. But...

We need to address one character that, as of the time that I am reviewing this, has gotten some early hate. Radagast the Brown, a wizard that is pretty much a magical earth-child, has already been compared to Jar-Jar, who infamously and almost single-handedly nearly ruined Star Wars. In order for a character to be on par in any way with Jar-Jar, he would need to be made purely for failed comic relief, contribute nothing to the story, and just make you feel unlcean and all around racist for watching him. Radagast, actually does play a part in the story and was not meant to be a purely comical character. Sure, he's a bit odder than the others, but I don't think of him as being a purely comic relief character. And on top of that, he's white, I'm white, I don't feel racist for looking at him. So that's out of the way. Moving on.

The one gripe that I have heard about the movie is the slow pace of it. Being that they need to spread all this material over the course of 3 movies, you would think they would all be a bit shorter. But no, it clocks at almost a 3 hour run time. And again, while slow pacing is an issue that many other people will have with movies, it never really bothered me. As long as I don't feel like there is nothing but filler or the scene drags out too long, I could give a damn. Turn a 30 second scene into a 10 minute scene if you must. But, for my money and what I was picturing, the scenes are all the perfect length, and I never found myself checking my watch.

So why does this not blow me away like LOTR? Well, you have to keep in mind, I was 9 when I was first introduced to the tale of Frodo and the Ring, and I knew next to nothing about Middle Earth when I sat in that theater that day. Really it has more to do with the fact that it was my first trip into Middle Earth, and there is only one of those, but they did come pretty damn close to making me feel like I was being introduced to it all over again. Though, this is not a bad thing in the least, seeing as how it felt like I was returning to a place I truly loved. It would be like going on a vacation to the Grand Canyon years after seeing it for the first time. You can't beat that first experience, but seeing it again brings back all those familiar feelings.

The long and short of it: I love this movie, and I cannot wait to pick it up when it comes out on DVD and I really wish I had a time machine so I can go a year ahead and see part 2!

Final Grade: A-

Breaking Dawn pt 2

You saw that right people, I really did see Twilight: Breaking Dawn pt 2. I was not manipulated or tricked or kidnapped or in any way, forced against my will to see this movie. I went into that cinema willingly, and held my head high as we watched this movie. Why did I see this movie? Because I was told by a very reliable source that it was an enjoyable flick that would not let me down. And it did not disappoint by any stretch of the imagination. Seriously, I enjoyed the heck out of this movie. I would almost tell Ted to move over, seeing as how this is the funniest film to be released this year... Except that I was just informed before writing this that it wasn't meant to be a comedy... This was meant to be taken seriously... I thought I was going to be reviewing a laugh out loud hit, and it turns out I have to review a drama...

Alright, let's get this over with

So, some of you may remember my other review of the Twilight series (I refuse to call it a Saga because I can't say Twilight Saga without wanting to give my shotgun a blowjob). In that, I basically ripped it apart for being degrading to women, overly dramatic and not realistic at all because of the lack of consequences despite all of the mistakes the characters made. And yeah, my stance is still steady on that. And I honestly had to intention of seeing this movie until earlier this week when my girl friend said that she saw it and that it was one of the most enjoyable experiences that she has had at the movies, and she is a former twi-hard that really hates these movies... Can you see why I'm attracted to her? Anyway, this is one of those movies that I would have taken a fifth of vodka before seeing because for me, this belongs in the Wrath of the Titans group of movies and this movie alone may be a new guilty pleasure for me because I just enjoyed how horrible it really was. Honestly, I know that very few (in fact maybe even none) of my readers are Twilight fans, but if there are, I really have to ask how you can expect me to take this movie seriously when I watch the hokey acting, the cheesy dialogue and the horrible effects and I honestly can't help but laugh. The only person who is actually any good is Michael Sheen as Aro, and that's only because he and the rest of the Volturi are the "No fucks given" crew. They are in on the joke that this series is terrible and that these movies are terrible too, so why even bother trying to give a legit performance. The main cast is acting their hearts (or whatever the hell Kristen Stewart has) out, and Michael Sheen goes out of his way to be as campy as possible. His character is almost like Dracula if he were played by Tim Curry's character from Rocky Horror. The best part of the movie for me was when he first sees the child and lets out this really girly squeal. The only other actor that is actually any good is Billy Burke as the constantly hopeless dad. Seriously, the only other movie that I've suffered through is New Moon, and in that, all he did was shrug through the whole movie and say "You're grounded, Bella". That alone was better acting than Kristen Stewart if she got lessons from Robert De Niro. Why even bother talking about the rest of the characters? They are just as bland and forgettable as the main cast.

Something that I really have to ask about is this: They are outdoors all the time and yet, they never sparkle. They only sparkle in one scene in the entire movie. I thought being out in the daylight made them sparkle, even though what they are really supposed to do is burst into flames. Continuity? What's that?!

So on to the rest of the story, God help me. The problems that I have still hold up. My main problem is the whole imprinting process with Jacob and Renesmee, who I still can't believe was named that. Even some of the characters are hearing that name and saying "Yeah, that's stupid". Even after people talk about it out loud, it still sounds creepy as hell. I almost wanted Chris Hansen from To Catch a Predator to walk in and say "Jacob, why don't you sit down?". Turns out, he was never actually in love with Bella, he was obsessing with her unborn child and his connection that he felt to Bella was really his connection to Nessie, as he calls her. The only other time that I can think of where somebody obsessed over an unborn child was the Terminator, and that was somehow less creepy than what we have going on here. By the way, the point when Bella got really pissed was when she realized that Jacob nicknamed her daughter after the Lochness monster. Two things: 1, her name is Renesmee, what the hell else are you going to call her? 2, you've got far bigger problems with him than that.

And now let's talk about the part that some people actually liked, and I have to say this is the part when I really, really give up all hope on humanity. So, at the end of the movie, there is this big throw down between the Volturi and the Cullen coven and their allies and whatever. Several people die and it was pretty epic and I almost found myself getting involved... And then we cut back to right before the battle as it turns out that someone was having a vision as to what the battle would look like if they were to fight. I couldn't hold it in any longer, I seriously booed the screen and yelled out "That is bullshit!" Honestly, whenever someone pulls the "It was all a dream" twist, I bite my lip, that is the absolute worst way to have a twist in your movie. The only movie where that worked was Inception and that was because it was only hinted that he was dreaming for the sake of discussion. I almost walked out of the theater and waited in the lobby for the people I was with. And I probably should have because the only thing left from that movie was one big Return of the King rip off. They seriously did the whole "cut to black, oh wait, we still have some movie left" routine. And then for the credits, they went through the entire cast and listed everyone with their name and a picture of the character that they played. The difference is that in Return of the King, even the characters that didn't show up in that movie were at least memorable because they had lines and character development. In this, even the people that were in it, I had to ask who some of them were because they either had one line or they were just sitting in the background. I guess you needed to be a fan of the books to get this, but still, if only people that read the books are going to have a clue as to who they are, then what's the point?

I could go on, but I'm tired and my fingers are aching, so for the last part of the movie, I'm just going to list the other questions/ things that make no sense about the movie.

Why do vampires have special abilities? Are they like the mutants in X-Men?

Why did they use a fake baby in some scenes and not in others? Why did they even use a fake baby at all? It was pretty obvious that it was a fake baby

What is it about Bella that people find her worthy of fighting this huge fight over? It's not like Harry Potter who they had a prophecy about him.

Why do they say that vampires don't breath even though they are talking, which requires breathing?

In pt 1, Edward was supposedly holding back during the love scene, and they broke the bed. In this one, he supposedly wasn't holding back and nothing was broken. How does that work?

Why do their eyes look red in some scenes and not in others? Is it a sign for when their blood lust is high or is it another example of continuity, or lack thereof?

Why were all of the covens so racist? The irish vampires were pretty stereotypical for irishman, and the romanian ones were all fruity and flamboyant.

People who read the book, when you read about the native americans coming out of the woods, did you imagine Tonto and Sacajawea? If you didn't, that makes this director more racist than George Lucas and Michael Bay. Already, I wouldn't be surprised if either of them made this movie.

Why does Renesmee age rapidly? People keep saying it's because she's half human but even after they say that, it still doesn't make any sense.

Why do all of these vampires have very exotic, foreign names and yet the Egyptian guy's name is "Ben"?

Why is Carlisle's name spelled with an "S"? Or as Aro would say "With an ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss" That's not so much something that is bothering me as much as it is a random thought.

Why did they not change Bella into a vampire before their wedding? Would have saved them alot of time and trouble.

Lincoln

Biographies are nothing new to cinema, but it seems as though we are getting more and more of them lately. Last year, we had J. Edgar, this year we have Hitchcock and today's movie, Lincoln. The difference is that while most biographies tend to focus on the person's entire life,  Lincoln  only focuses on one section of that person's life. In this case, it's the final months of the Civil War and the passing of the 13th amendment. And really, that may be the only section of his life that you need to talk about, being that those months pretty much became his legacy. I don't really think there's a point in including a spoilers section seeing as how we already know how it all ends, but does that really lessen it's value as a movie? Of course not! We have to remember, this is Spielberg we are talking about, and a historical Spielberg film no less. So where do I start? As if it's even necessary to talk about the acting, seeing as how you've got one of the greatest actors of all time playing Lincoln, and a supporting cast that is far from forgettable too, from screen veterans like Tommy Lee Jones stealing the scenes that they are in (that Daniel Day-Lewis isn't in mind you), to the growing star Joseph Gordon-Levitt being able to hold his own on screen, which is really saying something given the rest of the cast. As for the rest of the movie, I have to say that I'm really glad that this is a PG-13 rated movie because even though I like my war movies as gritty as can be, after watching this, I really want them to show this film in schools for history classes. This film really gave us a look as to who Lincoln was as a person and how much he fought to get the 13th amendment passed and what it meant to him. Again, being that it is Daniel Day-Lewis who is playing the president, you are really able to detach him from the character and see Abraham Lincoln on the screen as opposed to some actor playing Abraham Lincoln. The best part about this characterization is that we see a lot of Lincoln's sense of humor and that, even at his most stressful moments, he was not above using a joke or anecdote to illustrate his point or calm everyone's nerves. It felt as if, even though he was fighting like hell to lead the country and bring it back together, we were reminded that Lincoln was a person first, and a politician second, which is again a notable trait about the film, because the temptation is to focus too much on the conflict rather than the person. And it is for this reason, that I said earlier that this film should be shown in schools. It's a realistic portrayal of the Civil War, it's a realistic portrayal of the time and above all, it's a realistic portrayal of one of America's greatest presidents. I might want to see this movie again.

FInal Grade: A+

Skyfall: The Next Generation

I'll explain why I entitled this as "The Next Generation", that part does contain some minor spoilers. As we get closer and closer to the end of the year, there seem to be 3 movies left on everybody's must see lists. This, Les Miserables and The Hobbit. So, how does our holiday movie season begin? Very strongly, I am happy to report. Skyfall is without a doubt, the best Bond film that we have seen since Daniel Craig has been cast in the part. In fact, critics have been praising this as being one of the best bond films yet, and I would have to agree with them. This takes the number 2 spot for me, right behind From Russia With Love and in front of Goldeneye. So why does this movie strike a cord with both critics and fans alike? Well, for starters, it has this theme of "out with the old, in with the new" in that they are taking the series in a new direction while still giving the old the respect it deserves. There are many scenes that made me think of scenes from older Bond films, even the ones with Connery. The best instance being when Bond does something spectacular and it is followed by a couple notes from the James Bond theme music. The movie starts with one of the best chase scenes that I have ever scene. It's probably the most thrilling chase sequence since the truck-batmobile chase from The Dark Knight, and that really is saying something. After that, we are treated to a very modern and yet very old fashioned credit sequence featuring a very well written song by Adele. The movie centers around M who is coming under fire from the british government for loosing a very important hard drive, and is being pressured into retiring by another british agent named Gareth Mallory, played by Ralph Fiennes. After an attack on MI6's headquarters in London, Bond comes out of hiding (he is presumed dead after the opening chase scene ends very badly) to help his old colleague and mentor track down the culprit, played by a very flamboyant Javier Bardem. If Casino Royale was Bond's equivalent of Batman Begins (taking a much more serious and darker tone when before it was very tongue in cheek), then Skyfall is Bond's Dark Knight. It gets everything about Casino Royale right while going the extra step. And I'd like to emphasize that this is much darker than the past movies I've seen. This is the first time that I've heard them hint at Bond being a substance abuser after his brush with death. It felt kind of weird seeing somebody that you always thought of as invincible be so vulnerable and broken.

SOME SPOILERS IN THE FOLLOWING PARAGRAPH

 Now, when I said that this was also "The Next Generation", I meant it by both the tone and direction, but also in the cast. We have a completely new crew in the MI6 headquarters. We already have Daniel Craig as the new Bond, we are also introduced to the new Moneypenny, the new head of Q branch (normally someone much older than Bond, now played by a man who looks like he just graduated from high school), and we even get a new head of the department. Yeah, in other words, this is the installment where we see Judi Dench's death and the title of M passed on to Mallory. At first, I was bummed because I would have really liked to see Ralph Fiennes play a Bond villain seeing as how he's played a serial killer, a nazi and a dark wizard. But now that I know the nature of his role and that this will cause him to show up in more Bond movies, I don't think there is much to complain about. However, I do wonder why this ending has not sparked some controversy. After all, we are seeing the death of one of the most enduring characters in the franchise, and someone that I have grown up with in these films.

THE SPOILERS HAVE ENDED

Of course the one thing that we all love about the Bond films are the gadgets. While I have criticized some of the past films for going too far in some areas, I do admit that I find most of them really cool. Fortunately for both me and the gadget lovers, there are some, but it is still pretty low key. He has a gun that recognizes his hand print so only he can use it, he has a radio beacon that he can use to call in support, and he has the car with machine guns and an ejector seat. Not much else apart from that I'm afraid. The new Q even remarks "What were you expecting? An exploding pen? We don't really do that anymore." Again, noting that they are moving on but still acknowledging a fan favorite of the past in a funny way.

Not much else I can say now, I've pretty much covered every area of the movie that I can think of. I would talk about the Bond Girls, but they aren't in it for very long. So yeah, for a movie that's 2 1/2 hours long, it certainly didn't feel like it dragged at all, you were certainly invested in what was going on the entire time (again, going back to what I said about this being Bond's Dark Knight), which is hard to do, and can go very badly if you aren't too careful.

Final Grade: A+