Batman and Robin

In continuing with the celebration of all things Batman, I thought we could talk about one of the most infamous film installments, Batman and Robin. It stars George Clooney as the caped crusader and Chris O'Donnell as the trusted sidekick Robin. The villains are Mister Freeze, played by the governator himself, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Poison Ivy, played by Uma Thurman. So, in order to talk about this movie, why don't we start at the beginning. The opening scene consists of Batman and Robin suiting up for action, and I gotta say, the camera work for this movie is pretty thorough. I mean, we get to see close up shots of their butts and their chests, which seem to have nipples on the exterior of the suits... Did I mention that the director of this movie was a flaming homosexual? Not to say that I would attribute batnipples and close up shots of George Clooney's ass in leather (or maybe rubber, I'm having a hard time telling right now, and I don't plan on focusing on that shot for very long) to that little piece of trivia, but hey, you never know. I haven't even mentioned the best part of the opening scene, it's actually the opening lines of the movie, Robin turns to Batman as he is about to climb into the batmobile and he says "I want a car! Chicks dig the car." to which Batman says "This is why Superman works alone".

Okay guys, look I know that I promised I would do this seeing as how I left it out of the full series review yesterday, but... I don't think I can make it through this movie. I just watched the first 30 seconds and already I feel cold and hopeless. Screw it, I'm just gonna get it over with.

So they try to stop Mr. Freeze and I have to address something that happens in this scene. When I was looking at what other people thought of this movie, I noticed one review that mentioned the fact that when each of the actors introduced themselves as Batman, they did it in some of the most awesome ways ever. Michael Keaton and Christian Bale did it while holding a guy up and demonically whispering it in their faces, Kevin Conroy had a point in the animated series where he shouted out "I am vengeance! I am the night! I am Batman!" seriously badass. Clooney comes in and says "Hiya Freeze, I'm Batman" He just says it like he's meeting Freeze to hang out or go on a date or something. Please don't ask me to talk about the fight scene that happens after the worst line delivery from a Batman actor ever, just know that it's stupid, it makes no sense and clashes completely with the tone that had become a precedent thanks to Burton and the geniuses behind the animated series and would later be nearly perfected by Chris Nolan when he made Batman Begins. This movie took a huge step backwards and felt like I was watching the bright colorful movie that had Adam West in it. Here's the difference: Adam West was Batman in the 60's when everything was campy and corny, they could get away with it. Doing a Batman movie with this approach in the 90's and the late 90's no less after taking such huge leaps in terms of story and character complexity should be punishable by public execution, similar to the one in Braveheart. Oh yeah, I went there.

One of the biggest kicks to the balls about this movie was the way they approached Mr. Freeze as a character. I've heard people (with extraordinarily low IQs) argue that Arnold was not that bad as Mr. Freeze. Even if that was the case, the character itself was just wrong, wrong WRONG!!! Mr. Freeze in the animated series (which was already a hit by this time) had become a tragic hero worthy of being written by the Bard. And you can quote me on that one. He was depressing, he was detached from humanity, he was tragic, he was (for lack of a better word) cold. He did not spit out stupid one-liners and compare everything to ice. If they had done the writing right, they could have cast someone like Patrick Stewart to play the part.

Next on the checklist of cockery is the introduction of Batgirl. In the show, comics and everywhere else, her true identity is Barbara Gordon, the daughter of police comissionor Jim Gordon. In this version, she is Alfred's niece, paying him a visit from her school in Britain. Apparently, she comes from that part in Britain where everybody speaks with an American accent. Now that I think about it, I'm starting to think that maybe the sexual orientation of the director did play a part in this movie. Hear me out. In the scene where Batgirl is suiting up, there is no shot of her ass, no nipples on her suit (a double standard if you ask me), but there is a shot of her shoes, which they were nice enough to make high heels. And they don't do a goddamn thing to help her. They don't have knives or anything so she can kick and do extra damage, they sure as hell don't help her run faster. So why is she wearing heels when she fights crime? Because they look FABULOUS, GIRLFRIEND!

I could go into all the things that are wrong with Bane in this movie, but I'm already on the verge of slitting my own neck and wrists, so we'll get back to that another time... Which is more than likely NEVER.

Like I said, I'm loosing the will to live the longer I write this, so we're going to address the final nail in the coffin for this abomination. For those of you who have seen this movie, you can already guess what that something is...

Yeah... This shit actually exists

Oh my god, somebody actually wrote a scene where Batman flips out a credit card and says "I never leave the cave without it". Not only did they write it, but... They got paid to write it. They got paid to destroy my childhood hero. What's worse is the more I look at it, the more I find more things to cry about (such as the expiration date being "Forever", the name on the account being "Batman" the credit card company being "Goth Card").

Alright, I'm done with this movie. I've done all I can and suffered enough for you sadist bastards! If I go anymore into this fucking movie, I will probably end up kicking the first infant I see. Peace out guys, I've had enough