You saw that right people, I really did see Twilight: Breaking Dawn pt 2. I was not manipulated or tricked or kidnapped or in any way, forced against my will to see this movie. I went into that cinema willingly, and held my head high as we watched this movie. Why did I see this movie? Because I was told by a very reliable source that it was an enjoyable flick that would not let me down. And it did not disappoint by any stretch of the imagination. Seriously, I enjoyed the heck out of this movie. I would almost tell Ted to move over, seeing as how this is the funniest film to be released this year... Except that I was just informed before writing this that it wasn't meant to be a comedy... This was meant to be taken seriously... I thought I was going to be reviewing a laugh out loud hit, and it turns out I have to review a drama...
Alright, let's get this over with
So, some of you may remember my other review of the Twilight series (I refuse to call it a Saga because I can't say Twilight Saga without wanting to give my shotgun a blowjob). In that, I basically ripped it apart for being degrading to women, overly dramatic and not realistic at all because of the lack of consequences despite all of the mistakes the characters made. And yeah, my stance is still steady on that. And I honestly had to intention of seeing this movie until earlier this week when my girl friend said that she saw it and that it was one of the most enjoyable experiences that she has had at the movies, and she is a former twi-hard that really hates these movies... Can you see why I'm attracted to her? Anyway, this is one of those movies that I would have taken a fifth of vodka before seeing because for me, this belongs in the Wrath of the Titans group of movies and this movie alone may be a new guilty pleasure for me because I just enjoyed how horrible it really was. Honestly, I know that very few (in fact maybe even none) of my readers are Twilight fans, but if there are, I really have to ask how you can expect me to take this movie seriously when I watch the hokey acting, the cheesy dialogue and the horrible effects and I honestly can't help but laugh. The only person who is actually any good is Michael Sheen as Aro, and that's only because he and the rest of the Volturi are the "No fucks given" crew. They are in on the joke that this series is terrible and that these movies are terrible too, so why even bother trying to give a legit performance. The main cast is acting their hearts (or whatever the hell Kristen Stewart has) out, and Michael Sheen goes out of his way to be as campy as possible. His character is almost like Dracula if he were played by Tim Curry's character from Rocky Horror. The best part of the movie for me was when he first sees the child and lets out this really girly squeal. The only other actor that is actually any good is Billy Burke as the constantly hopeless dad. Seriously, the only other movie that I've suffered through is New Moon, and in that, all he did was shrug through the whole movie and say "You're grounded, Bella". That alone was better acting than Kristen Stewart if she got lessons from Robert De Niro. Why even bother talking about the rest of the characters? They are just as bland and forgettable as the main cast.
Something that I really have to ask about is this: They are outdoors all the time and yet, they never sparkle. They only sparkle in one scene in the entire movie. I thought being out in the daylight made them sparkle, even though what they are really supposed to do is burst into flames. Continuity? What's that?!
So on to the rest of the story, God help me. The problems that I have still hold up. My main problem is the whole imprinting process with Jacob and Renesmee, who I still can't believe was named that. Even some of the characters are hearing that name and saying "Yeah, that's stupid". Even after people talk about it out loud, it still sounds creepy as hell. I almost wanted Chris Hansen from To Catch a Predator to walk in and say "Jacob, why don't you sit down?". Turns out, he was never actually in love with Bella, he was obsessing with her unborn child and his connection that he felt to Bella was really his connection to Nessie, as he calls her. The only other time that I can think of where somebody obsessed over an unborn child was the Terminator, and that was somehow less creepy than what we have going on here. By the way, the point when Bella got really pissed was when she realized that Jacob nicknamed her daughter after the Lochness monster. Two things: 1, her name is Renesmee, what the hell else are you going to call her? 2, you've got far bigger problems with him than that.
And now let's talk about the part that some people actually liked, and I have to say this is the part when I really, really give up all hope on humanity. So, at the end of the movie, there is this big throw down between the Volturi and the Cullen coven and their allies and whatever. Several people die and it was pretty epic and I almost found myself getting involved... And then we cut back to right before the battle as it turns out that someone was having a vision as to what the battle would look like if they were to fight. I couldn't hold it in any longer, I seriously booed the screen and yelled out "That is bullshit!" Honestly, whenever someone pulls the "It was all a dream" twist, I bite my lip, that is the absolute worst way to have a twist in your movie. The only movie where that worked was Inception and that was because it was only hinted that he was dreaming for the sake of discussion. I almost walked out of the theater and waited in the lobby for the people I was with. And I probably should have because the only thing left from that movie was one big Return of the King rip off. They seriously did the whole "cut to black, oh wait, we still have some movie left" routine. And then for the credits, they went through the entire cast and listed everyone with their name and a picture of the character that they played. The difference is that in Return of the King, even the characters that didn't show up in that movie were at least memorable because they had lines and character development. In this, even the people that were in it, I had to ask who some of them were because they either had one line or they were just sitting in the background. I guess you needed to be a fan of the books to get this, but still, if only people that read the books are going to have a clue as to who they are, then what's the point?
I could go on, but I'm tired and my fingers are aching, so for the last part of the movie, I'm just going to list the other questions/ things that make no sense about the movie.
Why do vampires have special abilities? Are they like the mutants in X-Men?
Why did they use a fake baby in some scenes and not in others? Why did they even use a fake baby at all? It was pretty obvious that it was a fake baby
What is it about Bella that people find her worthy of fighting this huge fight over? It's not like Harry Potter who they had a prophecy about him.
Why do they say that vampires don't breath even though they are talking, which requires breathing?
In pt 1, Edward was supposedly holding back during the love scene, and they broke the bed. In this one, he supposedly wasn't holding back and nothing was broken. How does that work?
Why do their eyes look red in some scenes and not in others? Is it a sign for when their blood lust is high or is it another example of continuity, or lack thereof?
Why were all of the covens so racist? The irish vampires were pretty stereotypical for irishman, and the romanian ones were all fruity and flamboyant.
People who read the book, when you read about the native americans coming out of the woods, did you imagine Tonto and Sacajawea? If you didn't, that makes this director more racist than George Lucas and Michael Bay. Already, I wouldn't be surprised if either of them made this movie.
Why does Renesmee age rapidly? People keep saying it's because she's half human but even after they say that, it still doesn't make any sense.
Why do all of these vampires have very exotic, foreign names and yet the Egyptian guy's name is "Ben"?
Why is Carlisle's name spelled with an "S"? Or as Aro would say "With an ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss" That's not so much something that is bothering me as much as it is a random thought.
Why did they not change Bella into a vampire before their wedding? Would have saved them alot of time and trouble.