Tuesday, May 1, 2012

My Disgust for Battleshit

I'm just going to come out and say it, I may have not seen Battleship yet, but I can already tell you, it is going to suck hard. You know why? Because it is supposedly based off of the game Battleship, one of my favorite games to play as a child, and yet is has about jackshit to do with Battleship! Why the fuck does it have aliens in it? Why is Rihanna in it? Were Jada Pinkett Smith and Kerry Washington too classy for you guys? What about her screams "MOVIE GOLD" to you? Shit, what about her screams "I'M WORTHY OF LIVING"?! She fucking sucks! She has one good song, and even then, she's just singing the chorus while Jay-Z and Kanye are doing the verses. And why does she play the person that says "My shaman used to talk about these guys"? You've already sunk your movie just by having her in it, and now you're going with THIS cliche? Why does a girl who sounds like she's from LA talk like this? Also, what is with that effect of having a bunch of guys fly forward, then fly backward only to float forward again? Are the aliens just fucking around with them? Are they ADD or something? Why the fuck does this movie have aliens in it? Also, do you really have such little shame that you actually put a little asian kid staring in awe at the destruction? After that, I am convinced that some sort of Michael Bay demon seed had something to do with this script. Why the fuck does this movie have aliens in it? Why do they look like total rip-offs of the decepticons from Transformers? Don't lie to me! They totally do you fuckers! What do aliens have to do with Battleship? The idea behind the game is to guess what your opponent is going to do next with little to no information of their battle plan or positions. It was like a kid version of poker! Did you guys miss that part? Why the fuck does this movie have aliens in it? This would have been a lot better if you made it some sort of World War II thriller. Actually, they kind of already made that. It's called U-571! Okay, it's not exactly the same. It does take place on a submarine, but it does at least give you the tension of not knowing whether you'll get hit by the enemy when you have little to work with in terms of even knowing where they are. How does adding sci-fi make this a legitimate movie! Did you guys even play the game as a child? Fuck no you didn't you hacks! Look, I wouldn't have this problem if you just tried to find an original title, and drop kicked Rihanna out of this movie. Or better yet, make a few changes and turn this into the script for Transformers 4! I'm betting that's what it really was! I'm betting this started out as the script for Transformers 4, but then you found out that Michael Bay sucks balls because you have apparently been living under a rock since you guys saw The Rock, the only good Michael Bay movie in existence, thanks solely to Sean Connery, and decided to do something else. So you decided to rape the 80's and 90's yet again and slap the title Battleship on there. Oh yeah, good fucking job you hacks! What's next? A movie called Risk with aliens and it just takes place over the course of ONE day even though Risk was supposed to give you the feeling of commanding armies throughout an entire war? Being that you just did this to Battleship, I wouldn't be surprised. Why the fuck does this have aliens in it? Oh yeah, and if this battle supposedly takes place at sea, then why does a good chunk of the trailer take place on land? Why are these aliens attacking the ocean first rather than the major cities?! Whose bright idea was it to start the invasion in an area where there is nothing to invade? They have ships that can fly, why are they sitting in the middle of the ocean? I haven't even seen the movie and I'm pointing out the plot holes! Let's not even get me started on the biggest twist of the knife. Not only did you rape my favorite childhood past time, but you also had to throw Liam Neeson into the mix. What did they do to you Liam? Did they kidnap your daughter again? Yes, I said again, I think the sex slavers from Taken are behind this. They just kidnapped his daughter again and told him that they will make things easy on him and if he starred in this movie, they would let her go. Can't say I blame the guy, but you fuckers are just despicable! You know how it is a running joke that Sean Bean always dies in his movies? Well the exact same thing used to happen to Liam. In this case, I'm praying he dies early in the movie, that way he can get out with some dignity, even though his dignity has taken an arrow to the testicle. Everybody else can just rot. And why the fuck does this have aliens in it?

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